Zoning Ordinance for Home
I'm greeting the new semester with just some jotting on the things I wish I had all in one time and place.
1.1 Changes to exteriors of historic structures (defined within this document as spaces that have been a part of my life for at least five years) must be presented before the architectural review board before occurring. The architectural review board meets Tuesdays at 6 pm.
2.1 The grass that lines the highways should be chosen so that it turns the color of an old scab in the winter.
2.2 Speed limits will be 75 on the interstate, and everyone will use their blinkers.
3.1 The deer that have lost any fear of humans will appear in the grocery store parking lots and bike trails on Tuesdays. Please plan your trips accordingly.
4.1 Public transit is provided at an affordable cost, though you can walk to the places you need to be. Cleanliness is maintained; conduct remains questionable enough that you have things to talk about on your phone calls to your parents.
5.1 Farmers Markets carry garlic pickles and fresh cider.
5.2 Donut shops sell seasonal flavors.
5.3 Cafes serve the best chicken salad on fresh croissants. Refills are free.
6.1 Lundi Gras and Mardi Gras are to be recognized as holidays.
6.2 Furthermore, house shows, bluegrass nights, zydeco festivals, pop-ups, art walks, gallery openings, concerts, open mics, and clothing swaps shall occur on a reoccurring schedule (calendar to be drafted).
6.3 Museums are free.
6.4 Libraries are spaces of sociality and reading, and no one has ever checked out the book you were looking for when you need it. The class discussion you wish was not cut short, the email you meant to respond to, the joyful ranting all hold space here. Housing shall be provided to those who need it.
7.1 Career and educational development are available to ensure that people can do what they love.
7.2 LinkedIn is permanently banned from being accessed on servers within the zoning.
8.1 A drive to your grandparents’ house is only fifteen minutes, and it’s easy to bring them the Chinese food you love.
8.2 On sunny days, it is easy to meet up with the people you love to make art with and take advantage of the way warm weather lets them feel limitless.
8.3 The opportunities that existed within just three blocks when you were in high school are still new and untiring.
8.4 The resources you took for granted aren’t gone, and the desperation is a funny joke.
9.1 A morning breakfast with leftovers brought back from the house of my friends who bake is always an option.
9.2 There is the time today to listen to Joni Mitchell while getting ready. The bathtub shall have a stopper.
9.3 The radio plays Ben Folds.
9.4 The ads that come on give you interesting things to talk about.
10.1 Movie theaters shall have seven dollar shows, and the matinees always come with commentary by at least one old person who doesn’t seem very happy to be watching what is on the screen.
10.2 There is always time to catch them all while they’re playing.
10.3 If a movie is not good, it is just because you are able to come up with a better ending.
10.4 There are beer and rice bowls down the street to talk about opinions on directors over.
11.1 Performing feels like a talent show with friends rather than a competition or some honors college presentation.
11.2 Writing workshops done over steamed milk and espresso must occur at least 48 hours before new material is shown to audiences.
11.3 Here, art does what people only dream of achieving— the ability to be known without being vulnerable and engaged while still being secure.
11.4 All media is accessible, and everything feels like a camp project.
12.1 Houses are pet friendly. If you do not have a pet, one will be provided to you.
12.2 Changes to names of pets must be presented before the animal review board before occurring. The animal review board meets Wednesdays at 7 pm.
13.1 Waffle Houses will be present on the intersection of at least three major streets.
13.2 Calendar forthcoming, Waffle Houses will require scheduled outbreaks of substance-abuse-fueled altercations.
14.1 The properties owned by those you love are never as far as you think they are. Time and space are collapsed into a cul-de-sac of the people you need the most around you.
14.2 And the new people you find in a city you moved to knowing no one are always passing through, looking for a drive thru to hit on their drive.
15.1 Gas stations sell Arnold Palmers and beer. There is always enough time Thursday nights to stop and grab something from one of them.
16.1 In order to combat that feeling that there is no way to love your culture and live in the space it comes from, committees will be formed with representatives from the various years of your existence.
16.2 The goal of each will be to collapse the idea that you must either be who makes what is good in the space you live or you must live somewhere that is good (even if you do not love it).
17.1 It is not so hard to balance the things in your day-to-day that you love to do.
17.2 And, maybe because of that, it is easier for people to love not just as they meet each other, but the selves before and after, as well.
18.1 There is always something to be happy about when the mail comes. After all, most inhabitants of home do not leave, but those that do write often.